


Local Thief Raccoon & Scientist Anteater Meet

by bugmayhem



Category: Happy Tree Friends
Genre: Attempt At Scamming, Bugs, Car Ride, M/M, One Shot, Talking about Ex's, how do I even tag this, minor gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29975427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bugmayhem/pseuds/bugmayhem
Summary: Shifty is off trying to be a scam-artist again without his brother in the mix, until an anteater comes around.
Relationships: Shifty/Sniffles (Happy Tree Friends)
Kudos: 1





	Local Thief Raccoon & Scientist Anteater Meet

**Author's Note:**

> pronouns kinda change a lot for each character so whoops
> 
> anyway i wrote this after seeing some1s art on tumblr !! this is a rarepair ik but i fell in love with it instantly i wrote smthing abut it. shifty is fun to write
> 
> also i havent proofread this kinda so it might be a lil bad. anyway enjoy

Shifty was busy setting up what would be considered scams, as it just was water in a shampoo bottle. Although Shifty’s marking of the water-shampoo said otherwise, as they claimed the shampoo, once used, would make someone's abs sparkle. If this was another city, Shifty would’ve been called out and he’d skamper off, but he knew Happy Tree Vile and it’s residents. 

If they were desperate, they’d fall for any tricks. Which is kind of most of the time, anyway. Shifty once got his hands on some shampoo that somehow grew hair (it was made by Lifty, actually) and sold all of it to some groovy bear. Apparently he died that day. Good game to him, he guesses.

Although Lifty just went out of town this time, presumably to get some equipment for the van, and Shifty was left to try and sell (or in another word, scam) some residents. If that one green squirrel was around, he can get a quick buck off of what was expired candy, but that guy never seemed to notice. Or if that bear was around again, maybe he can try to word him into buying what was totally not a rip off, or…

From the corner of Shifty’s eye, there was a blue anteater. Shifty didn’t know the guys name, other than like, it relating to crying? The squirrel mentioned some anteater to Shifty once, and during that time he just wanted the squirrel to get his money out and leave, not paying attention to whatever the squirrel rambled about.

“Psst,” Shifty yelled-whispered to the anteater, and they’d turn their head and glare. “You want some shampoo? It’d make the ladies like ya better.” Shifty winked, hoping to get the anteaters interest. They looked like a nerd, and from shows he knew that nerds were always pining over girls. 

The anteater looked at Shifty, staying still for a moment, before finally speaking. “I’m not particularly sold.” They also seemed to say something else, but it was a low mumble.

Shifty scoffed. “Aww, c’mon, I mean…” He tried to think of an excuse, really. “Ok, maybe you don’t like girls-”

“I like boys.” 

“Ok, let’s just go with that! So you buy this, and boys would passionately yearn over you, and uh… You get rich pretty quick!” Shifty shines a bright toothy smile at the anteater. “It costs 40 dollars. It’s limited, and it won’t be sold anywhere else.”

“...Sure.” The anteater went a little bit closer to the stand, and Shifty sighed in relief. The anteater took one of the shampoo bottles, observing it. Shifty would fidget with his hands, mainly because he often did it, but also with the nervousness that the anteater would realize and dip out of there.

The anteater was about to open the shampoo bottle, and Shifty instantly grabbed the bottle from the anteaters hands. “No checking products! It’s uh, it’d ruin the surprise.”

“Didn’t you already say the surprise of it?” The anteater glares again, with a very low serious voice. “Like you said, my nonexistent abs would start sparkling.” 

“Uh,” Shifty tried to think of another excuse. “You can’t look inside the bottles because I said so.”

The two animals just locked eyes for a moment, Shifty sweating and the anteater having no expression on their face whatsoever.

It was silent for 14 seconds until the anteater finally spoke. “You aren’t good at this scam business, aren’t you.” 

“Yea- wait, no, I mean no-” Shifty would choke a bit on words, as the anteater seemed to chuckle. “I’m a- uh, new salesman on the block! Cut me some slack, alright?”

“No, no.” The anteater shakes their head, sighing. “I think it’s obvious enough this is a scam, really. I’ve seen your face around before, and it was on wanted papers.”

Shifty just felt a bit of his confidence drop and break for a minute, his act was pretty much seen through by an anteater who looked like they always pulled the “actually,” card on others. If Lifty was here, the anteater would’ve probably been scammed, since Lifty was the “smarter” one anyway.

“Ok,” Shifty said after a minute of the two just being silent again. “You got me. I’m busted. Take me to prison, where I mope for my sins for being a petty thief and scam artist.” Shifty was obviously joking from the tone of his voice now, trying to drag his ego back up. “Heck, maybe I’d stop living in apartments and start living in a rich mansion after I’ve cleared my sins-”

“You really aren’t funny.” The anteater cut off Shifty, before chuckling a little bit. “But, yknow, I can try to help.”

“What?” Shifty just looked at the anteater, squinting his eyes. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah.” The anteater just huffed. “You look to be in a bit of a poor place, really. My name is Sniffles.” Sniffles held out a hand to Shifty, expecting it to be shaken back.

Shifty just stood there for a moment. Huh? This nerd was gonna help him? And probably cover the fact that he’s a shitty convincer sometimes? 

...Shifty shakes Sniffles hand, he can feel the anteater's sharp claws before Sniffles pulls his hand away. Maybe he just doesn’t like shaking hands with others for too long, despite the fact that Sniffles held out his hand in the first place.

It was a few minutes before someone already came on over, thanks to the paper sign Sniffles put up after getting behind the stand. It was a long lanky deer, and had mime attire. You probably know already who this is.

Shifty just blinks a little as the deer looks around, they were a little bit taller than the two of them, looking at the sign. 

“Problems with bugs?” Sniffles said a bit snarky, although a bit low. 

The deer nodded, smiling oddly wide as a spider dangled down from their antler. Shifty just looked and blinked again, and it was gone.

“Yea, yea, you definitely got bug problems.” Shifty cut off Sniffles before he could really say anything there. “Anyway, we got these bug-preventing shampoo, you wash it and bugs run away. Got it.”

Mime stared blankly.

“...Got it?” Shifty repeated himself again, and Mime just stared at Shifty. God, this was awkward.

Mime then shakes their head, before making some hand motions. Shifty doesn’t get it at all, while Sniffles ears perk up and observes the hand motions.

After Mime is done, Sniffles looks a bit surprised. “Oh.” 

“Oh what?” Shifty mumbles to Sniffles. “Did they say something to you in ya head? Because I didn’t understand jack shit.” 

Mime glares at Shifty for a moment, before returning to a bright smile when Sniffles huffed. “They want all the shampoo.” 

Shifty’s eyes would turn into dollar signs if they could. “Oh, SWEET! It’s all about like…” Shifty thought of the highest price he can think of, even if Mime was probably broke. “80 dollars- wait, no, make that double.”

Mime doesn’t move an inch for a second, before nodding with some fake optimism while looking through their pockets.

Shifty just whispers to Sniffles, though. “(Ok, how did you get that guys… thing, or whatever? I couldn’t understand it.)”

Sniffles whispers back as Mime keeps looking, unaware to the two that they’re pulling out bugs out of their pockets. “(It’s sign language, you do remember Mime is nonverbal?)”

Shifty looks a bit confused. “(I don’t know what a nonverbal is, man.)” 

Sniffles groans a little, before responding. “(It means you communicate without words or speech. Or in others words, Mime’s a mute.)”

Shifty is about to say something else, before it strikes a cord in his brain. “(Wait, ohhh, no wonder. He’s a mime! Can’t believe I didn’t realize that-)”

For a little, Sniffles just stares at Shifty, like he was silently judging him, before his snout formed into a smile and he started to lightly laugh. “(Hah, you kind of remind me of someone.)”

“Who?” Shifty asks, a bit off-taken by Sniffles remark, and instead of whispering he just spoke outright. 

“It’s nothing.” Sniffles tone of voice changes to his usual seriousness, looking back at Mime.

Then they notice the bugs.

Shifty looks at some of Mimes sleeves are covered in them, more specifically spiders. Or scorpions. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s scared of spiders AND scorpions, and they aren’t even considered bugs scientifically as he looks away.

Sniffles doesn’t look surprised, though. “Are you done?” He responds flatly, with the mime shaking its head as a spider dangles down from their antler.

The anteater just looks more annoyed than anything, really, as Shifty is looking away not bothering to look.

“Please, just give whatever money you have,” Sniffles pauses and looks at Shifty, concerned. “He’s scared out of his mind.”

Mime just rolls their eyes, before suddenly pulling out nothing from their sleeves, and there being a single ant. 

An ant.

Yknow, just a single ant.

Sniffles eyes turn sharp for a moment, and a low growling noise comes out of him. Mime backs away, knowing what’s going to happen, motioning that it’s a single ant.

Shifty then looks at Sniffles. “Uhm.” He pauses, as Sniffles just glares right at Mime. “Are you ok?-”

The anteater then jumps on four eyes at the mime, pinning him down and starting to slash and attack, blood gushing everywhere. Shifty’s eyes grow wide, as he just stands there, watching someone get slashed to death!

He runs to his van, to, at first escape, but then he looks back and sees Sniffles has stopped, with the metallic smell of blood in the air.

Out of impulse, he slowly walks on over, seeing a blood covered Sniffles.

“Hey-”

“I don’t like ants.” Sniffles growls, before looking back and seeing Shifty. He takes a step back, and Sniffles has a saddened expression on his face.

“...Sorry.” Sniffles mumbles out. It seems a bit genuine, to Shifty at the very least.

“You aren’t gonna kill me, right?” Shifty asks, as Sniffles eyes widen. 

“Wait, nonono, I’m not gonna do that-” Sniffles almost scratches the sides of his head. “I just… I don't like ants. I acted out of impulse.” 

“Oh.” Shifty looks at Mime’s dead, lifeless body, and feels a little bit bad. Then he remembers money exists. “Did he even have a wallet? Don’t tell me you killed someone out of waste.”

Sniffles glares at Shifty, and he shrugs. “What? We come back to life anyway. It wooould be sad to leave a wallet there, for anyone to take, and I know-”

“I know what you’re getting at.” Sniffles digs into Mime’s sleeves. Surprisingly, there aren’t any bugs, but only pennies. He digs into the other pocket, and ends up pulling out an entire fish. 

Shifty just looks at the fish, thinking for a moment, before laughing. “Man, how much does he have in those pockets? He should dress up like a clown!”

Sniffles looks at Shifty, before nodding. “It would be fair. He does act like a clown more, though. He kind of creeps me out like clowns do.”

“So you don’t like clowns?” Shifty teases a little, walking up to Sniffles. “I mean, my sibling likes them, but I sure don’t. He sometimes brings home these glass clown dolls for “collecting”, and they just creep me out!”

“I think you mean porcelain.” Sniffles responds, a bit deadpan. “And I suppose those rumors about scary clowns running around scared me a little. Those were the years.”

“Man, I don’t think I’ve even lived here when that happened!” Shifty laughs again, hitting Sniffles lightly with his ebow. “It was 6 years ago, maybe?”

“Heh, maybe.” Sniffles laughs a little. “Looking back at it, it’s rather ridiculous.”

“Yea, but what if we become the new clowns?” Shifty jokes around, fidgeting a little. “I mean, you just killed someone. Or something.” 

“Like you said, he’d come back.” Sniffles glances at Mime’s body, and there's already flies buzzing around it. “And I think that body is gonna start rotting.”

“Eugh.” Shifty waves his hand a little. “Not like it’s my problem.”

“I think we might need to run.” Sniffles suddenly says, a bit nervous as he looks out onto the street. This entire time they were in an alleyway, but he was pretty sure someone was gonna catch him of his murder.

“Oh, right, cops!” Shifty grins wide, showing off his teeth again. “I’d try to drive somewhere else to sell this stuff,” the raccoon walks on over to the shampoo bottles and looks into some. “Actually, nevermind! Let’s just run out of here.”

“You’re taking me with you?” Sniffles asks, as the two walk over to the not-really-well-hidden-van. “We’ve just met a few minutes ago.”

“And I think you’re cool. Kinda.” Shifty grins again, as he opens the van's door into the front seat. “Pretty please?” He’s obviously joking around from what he said, but Sniffles stands there, blushing.

“I’ve never been invited into a car before,” Sniffles says before getting inside as Shifty slams the door shut. He gets into the driver's seat, slams the door closed, as the anteater speaks a little more. “Or a party, actually.”

“Man, don’t tell me you’re lonely.” Shifty says lightheartedly a little, but Sniffles just sighs.

“Kind of am.” Sniffles confesses as Shifty starts the car. “I had a friend- or date, but we broke up.”

Shifty remembers someone.

“That squirrel guy?” Shifty asks, he has to admit, he’s a bit interested in others love-lives- he’s a bit of a gossiper, really. 

“Yes.” Sniffles grits his teeth a little. He doesn’t seem entirely happy that he’s mentioned. “Him.”

“Wow, I guessed you guys had a bit of a bad breakup, huh?” Shifty says as he slowly drives the car out of the alley and into the street. “Yknow, I did too! There was this girl- I met her before she transitioned, her name is Petunia.”

“You aren’t going to tell me about your past relationships, aren’t you?” Sniffles glares a little, as Shifty laughs. 

“Heh, I just like talking. Besides, Petunia was lowkey rude.” Shifty drives as he continues. “She always thought I was dirty and messy, but like, I wash my hands daily and stuff! Not to mention she had this really weird perfume I never liked, but I obviously never said that I didn’t.”

“Now you’re just complaining.” Sniffles kind of cuts Shifty off, as the raccoon was about to continue something. “...I would do the same, though.”

“Man, wouldn’t we all?” Shifty chuckles a little. “I mean, if you dated that squirrel, you have to admit he didn’t even shower. I could smell grease on him- if that’s possible.”

“He was in a bit of a bad place when he met me, really.” Sniffles sighs. “And I never really… had a bad breakup with him. He just stopped talking to me one day, and yes, anyone would be sad about it, but I suppose that’s a way of saying you want to break up with someone.”

“You sure he just didn’t get his phone stolen?” Shifty asks, interested as always. “Or, wait, don’t tell me, he went out with someone new?”

“I don’t know about that.” Sniffles lightly scratches his head. “I did see him outside, but he never spoke to me, he just avoided me.”

“He must’ve had a really petty reason to do that.” Shifty responds, snickering, but kind of trying to focus on the read. “He’s weird, anyway-”

“Maybe he found out I steal dead bodies organs for experiments.” Sniffles says, before adding on. “I mean, I don’t eat them, obviously. Even if I kind of feed them to my roaches when I have no use for any of those organs…”

And Shifty suddenly stopped the car abruptly, making the two go into their seats. “You what?” Shifty asks, out of bewilderment. I mean, he sees dead bodies a lot, but he doesn’t rob their organs, that’d be gross! And this wouldn’t be “Happy Tree Vile” without them-

“Sorry.” Sniffles seemed embarrassed. “I should leave,”

“Nonono,” Shifty blurts out. “I mean, what do you use those organs for?”

“Experiments. Like I’ve said.” Sniffles is looking away from Shifty’s eyes, even if Shifty is looking right at him. “Mainly ones revolving bringing the dead back, or creating an entirely new lifeform- it never goes well for me, really.”

“Huh.” Shifty gasps a little. “So you’re a scientist?”

“Can’t you tell?” Sniffles then maintains eye contact with Shifty. “I wear a lab coat to sleep half of the time. Actually, no, all the time.”

“That’s kinda cool, actually.” Shifty confesses. “I kind of just steal wallets from dead bodies. But I never look into their eyes, it’s creepy.” 

“...Really?” Sniffles lights up a little, and Shifty pats him on the back.

“Yea! Also, I’ve heard organs used to cost a lot, right?” Shifty asks, wondering if he can do the same but instead just sell organs that’d probably rot in a few days.

“Used too. Before the curse.” Sniffles sighs a little. “You can donate organs to hospitals and such, but you’d probably get nothing out of it.”

“Aww, what a shame.” Shifty huffs a little. “Also, a question, are you ok with going to my place? Or, uhm, me and my siblings.”

“Your whAT-” Sniffles gasps and blushes for a little, before taking a deep breath. “Actually, yes, I’d appreciate it. I’ve haven’t been to a friend's house in a while.” Sniffles mumbles something under his breath. “In a long, long while.”

“Heh, nice!” Shifty grins, showing some of his fangs for once as the rest of the ride is continued by the two talking about small things.

Sniffles steps into the raccoon’s twins apartment, and it’s been a long time in another one’s place. Before Nutty, there wasn’t a birthday party he was invited to when he was younger, so this was practically his second time in another one’s house. 

He stopped dwelling on that fact, though. “Where’s your brother at? Or twins.” Sniffles asks, hoping he isn’t intruding on the others' privacy.

“Like I said, off to get equipment.” Shifty then pauses for a moment. “Or now that I think about it, visit our uncle- he isn’t really our uncle, he’s a rat and we’re both raccoons, but he’s cool enough for me to trust.” Shifty says, a bit annoyed. “Although he’s probably gonna be gone for a long while, so make your stay!”

“Well then.” Sniffles responds a bit flatly, as he looks around the apartment. It’s obviously small, two rooms and one living room. There’s some trash on the ground, but it isn’t as filthy as one would expect.

“Also, uh, don’t look into that closet.” Shifty points to a door in a hallway. “It’s full of garbage that my brother and I stole.”

“How much?” Sniffles asks, a bit curious as he sits on the couch.

“A lot to the point where you’d probably die by all that stuff landing on you.” Shifty replies, his tone more serious compared to the other times he’s spoken to Sniffles. “Harsh, I know, but we just like collectin’ stuff!”

“Stealing.” Sniffles corrects him, but Shifty just waves his hand off. 

“I wanted to sound less suspicious by saying that.” Shifty replies lightheartedly back. “I mean, not like you know already!”

Sniffles rolls his eyes, and he just lays on the couch, getting comfy.

“...Uh, speaking of which,” Shifty stutters a little. “No offense, but why didn’t ya call the cops, or that one blue squirrel guy over after hearing I was doing my little scam routine?”

“You need to remember that I steal organs from dead bodies and use them for experimentation.” Sniffles responds back flatly, or the most flat as he can get as Shifty can see a bit of a chuckle. “It would be rather hypocritical for me to call the cops on you, especially Splendid.” Sniffles name drops the hero's name, and Shifty sighs a little.

“But I was tryin’ to scam people, not steal! For once.” Shifty scratches the back of his head.

“Still.” Sniffles just gives Shifty a kind smile to the raccoon, making Shifty blush. “I don’t really like Splendid. Anymore. And I’m kind of a criminal myself-”

“Yeah yeah, I get it.” Shifty cuts Sniffles off, going into the kitchen that is very much near the living room. Or, right next to it. “I’m just happy you didn’t chase me off. Not like I have friends who don’t do that, but eh, it’s a nice change.”

“I know.” Sniffles responds back, sighing, as Shifty just gets some cold pizza for himself to cook.

As he turns the microwave on, he glances at Sniffles as he just… lays down on his couch. The more Shifty thinks about it, he just met this anteater, and he’s already in his place making it home.

Not like he minds, though, actually. Shifty and Sniffles could relate to a few things, and Sniffles was… kindish. Other than him killing Mime one time.  
The microwave finishes as he pulls out the pizza and puts it on a plate. He glances at Sniffles again, and has an idea.

“Can I sit next to you?” Shifty speaks, as Sniffles is taken back- probably because it was quiet, very quiet, if you don’t count the microwave beeping.

“Y-Yes, you can.” Sniffles stops laying down and sits on the couch again, patting the free seat next to him. Shifty walks on over, sitting next to Sniffles, shoving the pizza in his face.

“You still haven’t taken off your coat.” Sniffles points out a little. “Wouldn’t you have taken it off by now?”

“Thamft’s a strange quemtion,” Shifty’s voice is muffled by the pizza, after he swallows it down. “You said you slept in your lab coat, or something.”

“I asked that because I want to wear your coat.” Sniffles blurts out, making Shifty almost choke on pizza. “A-And like, uh…” Sniffles becomes a mumbly mess a little.

“Your cold?” Shifty responds, looking surprised and also blushing red.

“Y-Yes. That’s the actual r...reason.” Sniffles stutters for a moment. “I can just… get a blanket, though-”

Shifty’s coat is thrown onto Sniffles unexpectedly, as Shifty pats Sniffles on the back. “I don’t mind. Just don’t go around smellin’ like me.” Shifty shoots a grin, as Sniffles pulls the coat over his head, and starts to cover himself with it like a blanket.

“I know.” Sniffles smiles back, as the two then sit in silence, laying against each other silently as Shifty just eats pizza.

Then the raccoon's phone buzzes from his coat, making Sniffles almost jump in surprise. “Huh?” He just mumbles out.

“Oh, uhm, that’s my phone.” Shifty takes his phone out of his pockets, and responds to whoever's calling him.

“Ah, sup Lift.” Shifty responds nervously, as Sniffles just stares, confused. Then Shifty’s eyes widened. “AH- WHAT- you’re back already?!” 

Oh fuck.

“Nonono, I’m fine, it’s just that… uh…” Shifty pauses, probably because his sibling said something. “Actually! It’s nothing, nothing at all! Bye.” Shifty hangs up.

“Fuck.”

“Do you want me to leave now?” Sniffles asks, a bit saddened he’d have to leave now. “It’d be weird for him to come in and-”

“YEAH, yep, sadly-” Shifty says as he pulls Sniffles off the couch. 

“Wait-” Sniffles is being dragged to the window. Oh no. “Can I have your number before I-”

Shifty blushes, then nods. “Actually, ok, fine! Just let me….” Shifty runs to get a piece of paper, rips it apart, and quickly writes down his number. All in one minute. Or one minute in a half.

“Ok, ok, you can keep the coat-” Shifty says, tired, shoving the number in Sniffles pocket. “See you tomorrow, hot stuff!” Shifty obviously joked at… the wrong time.

“Bye- wait what?-” Sniffles says before being thrown out a window, and as he lands onto the garbage, he hears someone yell a sorry.

“Fuck,” Shifty scratches his head. Maybe he could’ve done that better as he quickly closes the window shut as the door opens.

“Is everything ok?” Lifty comes in, carrying some bags and wearing the usual raccoon twin coat. “What the fuck happened?-”

“Dunno!” Shifty raises his hands up in the air, sweating. “There was just a feral raccoon, and I had to kick it out, yknow?!”

Lifty looks at Shifty in disbelief. “The more I think about it, it’s kinda weird seeing feral raccoons around when we’re raccoons too…” 

“I know, right?!” Shifty huffs a breath, as Lifty sets his bags down onto the table.

“I got Mcdonalds.” Lifty says, pulling out a burger.

“Oh fuck yes.”

It’s one in the morning, and Shifty wakes up like he always does. On the couch, sometimes. He had to inform Lifty he didn’t get anything, but Lifty just patted him on the back, although when he asked where his coat was, he just dodged the question. 

Shifty rubs his eyes, before looking at this phone, and then remembers Sniffles. Oh fuck. Yea. Him.

Shifty picks up the phone, seeing a notification. A single one, from a random number saying, “hey”. It was from an hour ago.

That’s kind of concerning, but ok. Shifty responds, while also getting left over pizza.

Today, 12:34

Hi. It’s me, Sniffles. I really liked what happened last night, or specifically the drive to your place. Sorry this is too specific, bye.

Today, 1:09

oh sup dude

i just woke up how u doing

There’s a small moment of silence, before then Sniffles responds.

Today, 1:10

I haven’t slept. I still have your coat, if you still want it.

Today, 1:10

ehh u can keep it lmao idc

i can just get another one

or steal another

if u know what i mean

Today, 1:11

Sure, Shifty.

I’m just wondering if I’m able to visit tomorrow. 

Sorry if that sounds weird. 

Today, 1:11

naaaaah it aint weird! and maybe we can hang out yea. 

ur cool btw dont have to apologize all the time

Today, 1:12

Thank you, Shifty.

Is it ok if I bring food? Or are you allergic to anything? Just to be safe.

Today, 1:12

uhh nothing rly. also yea id like food

what is it

Today, 1:13

Mcdonalds.

Oh FUCK yes.


End file.
